Happy(?) Blogday to Me

Today marks a year of Blogging for me. I wonder what I thought I would gain from keeping a diary when I started.
I had been a reader for a while so I think I hoped to share knowledge and experiences, to learn from others who had been there, but I had no idea I would communicate with people so deeply that I would consider them my friends.

Starting this Blog has been a lifeline. I feel so isolated from life around me right now, so withdrawn, I really don't think I would have coped without an outlet that validates my feelings. I think being able to support others has helped too. Knowing I am not the only person in the world to have ever felt this way.

It is odd then to think that such support could, in a way, add to the feeling of loneliness too. I looked back on the Bloggers that I originally connected with. I thought of my first Blogroll. So so so many of them have moved forwards in their journey. On a good day this makes me extremely happy and gives me hope, on a bad day it seems to underline my lack of progress.

I am really feeling left behind right now. I am so worried that I will always be on this side. I am trying to get together a plan of action for my next move but I have lost my way. I feel like I am fighting all the time, it has been going on for so long. I am tired of it all.

I wonder what this Blog will say in a years time?

Sometimes I Hate Being Right

Another failed cycle.

I'm off to lick my wounds for a while.

7dp3dt

Apologies for the lame title, I just want to document this phase. It was helpful to look back at this time last cycle, unfortunately I think it is remarkably similar.
I have been really very positive this cycle, I just felt this was going to work out. I've had light cramping on and off since transfer which was different from last time, I was hoping, therefore, that the outcome would be different too.
You'll notice this is written in past tense. Today I am utterly convinced this is not to be. I have that awful dull ache that always heralds the arrival of my period. Exactly the same day as I felt it last time, way earlier than I would in a natural cycle (possibly significant?).
I haven't much else to say right now, obviously I am hoping I am wrong, I will gladly eat my words.
I don't think I'll have to though :-(

The Girls are Home

The transfer went well and I now have two lovely little embryos setting up home for a while.

We did a 3dt. Out of the seven fertilised eggs, two were very much 'in front'. We transferred 2 grade 1 embryos, one was 8 cell but the other was only 6 cell (is that a bad sign?).
I wish I had asked more questions at the time. I think I get 'white coat syndrome' I just assume that the medics know best (which I am sure they do) but after the fact I think of all the questions I should have asked.
The other embryos each had some degree of fragmentation but I don't know how much or how many cells. The fragmentation means the clinic won't freeze. They don't seem to be very keen to freeze at all.

So, that's it done. Now the wait. I'm off work for a little while which is great, no need to rush about or stress.

Eggs in One Basket

9 eggs. 7 fertilised.

Day 3 transfer set for 1pm on Thursday, I'm not sure if we get to go to blast if things look good then. The clinic require 4 great quality embryos on day 3 before considering blast. I'm also not even sure the clinic do transfers on a Saturday :-(

One slight hiccup, Mr L said yesterday that he won't do IVF again. He thinks it is taking over our lives. I'm not sure if it is just a reaction from the recent stress, he seems adamant though, and he is a very stubborn man. I'm just letting it go for the moment, there is enough to think about right now. We can discuss this later if necessary.

I'm trying to be calm but it is hard not to panic a little.

Passing Time

I've been tagged by the beautiful M to come up with a list of who's hot. A lovely diversion I think!

Now, of course, I don't ordinarily search the web for fine men, but a tag is a tag, no?!


Here's who I think......

Gordon Ramsay, celebrity chef. He is such a tough guy but so nice with his family. His first three children are all IVF kids too (and the fourth was a surprise!) but I liked him long before I found this out ;-)

Johnny Depp, nothing to add!

Russell Brand, he is just sweet and so quick with words, a trait I really admire. He is also a recovering addict. I have a lot of respect for people who have overcome their demons.

David Beckham, really not my type in real life but there is just something nice about him.



I'm not sure I should admit to this one! Boris Johnson, he's a politician and a bit of a clown. I think he'd be fun! Who doesn't like laughing?


Well, that managed to take my mind off tomorrow's EC for a little while. I'm due at the clinic at the crack of dawn. At least there isn't too long to stress (this bit) now.

As for the tag, I know this isn't every ones cup of tea, but it was fun....

I tag Silver from Hope for the Best. (a new blogger and been a big support to me IRL, please pop over and say welcome) also Chicklet and Christina, and, of course, anyone else looking for a way to waste, er... I mean spend a little free time.

IVF #2 (and a half)

Thank you all so so much for your comments of support after my last post. I didn't want to write it, I felt so foolish, I thought about just walking away from the Blog. In the end I posted but didn't expect such comfort. I can't imagine not knowing all you ladies. Thank you all.

The clinic let me carry on with the IVF despite the chemical. Although I started a few days later than expected, the scan/bloods showed I was down regulated.

This cycle has been so much harder than the last. I've had headaches and felt really nauseous. Just yuck all through.

Day 8 scan yesterday showed six follicles on one side and seven on the other. All between 10 and 12 mm. I'm pleased with this but I'm just taking it one step at a time, over thinking just doesn't help.

I have a major day at work on Thursday. Very stressful but I'm taking some time off from Friday. Apart from this there is not an awful lot of excitement right now. I'm just concentrating on growing some pretty eggs!